A very dear friend of mine went through a devastating period over several years, experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage. One baby died in utero at six months, forcing her to go through the heartbreak of giving birth to a stillborn child, and another was born full-term but tragically died within minutes. I expected my friend to be shattered, which she was, and our circle of friends rallied around her with all the support and compassion we could offer.
To my shame, though, none of us really thought about her husband. I remember being both surprised and confused when he later suffered a complete breakdown, left his well-paid job, and eventually changed careers entirely. With counselling, he found purpose in helping other fathers through their own losses, becoming a counsellor himself.
It was only then that I began to understand how invisible men’s pain can be in these situations, how, when tragedy strikes, the focus often falls entirely on the mother. Fathers can be left feeling pushed aside, unqualified to help, frightened, and utterly powerless. Yet their grief is no less real, it just tends to be quieter, less understood, and far less supported.
When a new baby arrives, all eyes tend to turn to the mother — her recovery, her emotions, her support. Whilst this is completely understandable, and much needed at such an important time, this can sometimes mean that new fathers suffer in silence.
While we’ve made great progress in recognising maternal mental health, fathers are still largely left out of the conversation. Yet, research shows that around 1 in 10 new dads experience postnatal depression, and many more struggle with anxiety, exhaustion, and the weight of new responsibilities. Despite this, few are ever asked how they’re coping.
The NCT and PANDAS Foundation both highlight that paternal postnatal depression often goes undiagnosed, partly because men may express distress differently, and partly because there are still cultural expectations that men should “stay strong” and “support” their partners, rather than needing support themselves.
Many fathers describe the early months as a perfect storm of love, pressure, and fear. Balancing work, finances, and a changing relationship can take a huge emotional toll. A Fatherhood Institute report found that around 60% of dads cite work, money, and the competing demands on their time as major stressors. The traditional expectation that men must be “the provider” leaves many feeling trapped, especially when they want to be present and emotionally available for their families.
In the early months of a baby’s life, many dads report feeling pushed to the sidelines, not because they don’t care, but because the structures around new parenthood often leave little space for them. Much of the postnatal world, from antenatal classes to health visitor check-ins, is still largely geared towards mothers, with fathers often treated as helpers rather than equal parents.
In those first weeks, the baby’s physical dependence on the mother, especially if she is breastfeeding, can leave dads unsure of their role. At the same time, cultural expectations that men should prioritise work and financial stability over caregiving can add pressure to return to work too soon, cutting short bonding time and deepening feelings of exclusion.
Research shows that when fathers feel less involved in their baby’s care, their parental self-efficacy — the confidence in their ability to parent, often declines, increasing the risk of anxiety or low mood.. Without encouragement or practical guidance, it’s easy for new dads to internalise the belief that they’re “not needed”, when, in reality, their presence and care are vital for both their baby’s development and the family’s wellbeing.
Cultural messages also play a role. Society tends to celebrate maternal instincts while portraying fathers as secondary or less naturally capable caregivers. When dads internalise these beliefs, it can lead to lower confidence, anxiety about “doing things wrong,” and even withdrawal from caregiving tasks — which in turn reinforces the cycle of exclusion.
Over time, this lack of validation and opportunity to bond can take a toll on a father’s mental health and his confidence in his parenting abilities, particularly if he feels he’s not meeting expectations as a partner or parent.
When dads struggle, the impact extends beyond them. Studies show that a father’s mental health affects his child’s emotional development, attachment security, and even long-term wellbeing.
Below are some sobering studies that show the potential long-term impact.
A UK-birth study found that lower emotional and psychological quality of fathering in infancy was associated with increased odds of depressive symptoms in their children at age 16.
A systematic review found that children of fathers with depression had a 42 % increased risk of developing depression themselves.
Another review found that paternal depression is associated with offspring depression later in life, indicating a longer-term intergenerational impact of fathers’ mental health.
A population-based study in Australia found that early paternal depression significantly predicted a range of poorer child outcomes (e.g., behavioural difficulties) even after controlling for maternal depression.
Despite these realities, postnatal support services in the UK are overwhelmingly aimed at mothers. Many dads report feeling excluded from health appointments, classes, and professional conversations about parenthood.
Creating space for fathers to feel seen and involved could make a big difference to both their confidence and mental wellbeing. Research shows that when dads are actively supported in early caregiving, their bond with their baby strengthens, and both partners report greater relationship satisfaction.
Healthcare professionals can help by directly engaging fathers during antenatal appointments, birth classes, and postnatal visits by asking how they’re coping and offering advice that acknowledges their role. Small actions, such as addressing both parents equally or providing father-specific resources, can reduce feelings of exclusion.
At home, partners can support dads by sharing care responsibilities early on by giving them time alone with the baby to build confidence through practice and connection. Encouraging open conversations about fears, fatigue, or self-doubt helps normalise the emotional adjustment that comes with fatherhood.
Workplaces also play a key role. Flexible paternity leave policies and supportive cultures signal that caregiving is a shared responsibility, helping dads feel that their contribution is both valued and expected.
Recent campaigns, including Pregnant Then Screwed and The Dad Shift’s bold “UK Paternity Leave is a Mother F**ker” initiative, and the Fatherhood Institute’s Six Weeks for Dads, are drawing attention to how the UK’s two-week paternity leave, criticised as being ‘one of the worst in Europe’, fails both fathers and mothers. Advocates argue that limited leave reinforces outdated gender roles and leaves families without vital early support, calling for longer, better-paid, and more flexible options to reflect modern parenting realities.
Parenting Out Loud, a pioneering campaign run by Elliot Rae is focused on creating a workplace culture where working dads can be loud and proud about their caring responsibilities at work.
By shifting the narrative from “helping mum” to “parenting together,” we can build a more inclusive understanding of fatherhood — one that supports men’s mental health, strengthens family bonds, and benefits children’s long-term development.
Encouraging dads to open up about their mental health starts with normalising the conversation. Health visitors and GPs can make a difference simply by asking both parents how they’re coping. Employers can support new fathers by offering flexible leave and recognising the transition to parenthood as a genuine life adjustment, not a private issue. And as a society, we can shift from viewing men as helpers to seeing them as parents — with the same emotional needs, vulnerabilities, and capacity for love as mothers.
If you’re finding things hard, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t make you weak. Talking to your GP, contacting PANDAS Foundation, or reaching out to Dad Matters can be the first step toward feeling better.
Local Dad meet-up groups can also be a great place to connect with other fathers at all stages of their parenting journeys. A quick Google search or browse on the site MeetUp should bring up groups in your local area.
Are you a father? Have you struggled with your mental health since becoming a parent? What would make a positive difference to you?
