When my son was about three, he was running across a farmyard when he tripped and crashed onto the hard concrete. The kindly farmer hurried over, picked him up, brushed him down and said, “There’s a big boy. You’re fine, no harm done. Big boys don’t cry, do they?” My son, who had been poised to unleash his usual roar of pain and indignation, swallowed it down. By the time I reached him to scoop him up, he was already fighting back tears, embarrassed and almost ashamed of needing comfort. He wriggled away, insisting he was absolutely fine.
But of course, the pain and hurt resurfaced later in other forms: supper wasn’t nice, his chair wasn’t “right,” his bath was too deep, the towel the wrong one. Only when he finally allowed himself to sob, to release the pain he’d been encouraged to silence, did everything settle into its proper emotional place.
Many men, having swallowed their first tears in moments like these, carry that pressure to be a “big boy” all the way into adulthood, still holding it together long after it stops serving them.
Do boys process emotions differently from girls? And if so, is that something they’re born with, or something they learn?
If you are a parent or caregiver, you may have seen it: boys who seem to “shut down,” lash out, or struggle to talk about feelings. But research shows boys aren’t born less emotional; they simply receive very different messages about emotions from the very start.
Studies of newborns show that male and female babies display almost identical levels of distress, empathy, and emotional reactivity. They cry, startle, and express discomfort at similar rates.
A large meta-analysis, published in Psychological Bulletin, found that differences in early temperament between boys and girls are minuscule. In other words, boys are not “naturally” less emotional or less sensitive.
Biologically, the differences are minimal.
Hormones like testosterone and oestrogen can influence behaviour. Testosterone, for example, can increase sensitivity to dominance or frustration, while oestrogen supports empathy and emotional memory, but these aren’t hard-wired emotional limits.
What truly matters is the emotional environment we create for our children.
Research suggests that boys feel emotions just as deeply but often lack the words, confidence, or safe spaces to express them. When they can’t say “I’m sad” or “I feel hurt,” those emotions may instead show up as anger, defiance, or shutting down.
So if boys and girls start with the same emotional equipment, why does there seem to be such a gap later on?
As children grow, they begin to pick up on subtle social cues about what’s acceptable. And that’s where things start to diverge.
Fast-forward to adulthood, and we can see the impact.
Many men find it difficult to ask for help or express vulnerability. They might bottle up emotions until they spill over as anger or frustration. Some may feel immense pressure to “be the provider” while taking a backseat in caregiving or emotional labour. The knock-on effect can cause mental health issues when they become fathers themselves, as we covered in our recent blog ‘Why we need to talk about Dads’ mental health’.
Perhaps these patterns can be traced back to early experiences; boys who were picked up less when they cried, comforted less when upset, or told off more harshly than girls. Even small, repeated moments send big messages about what emotions are “allowed.” Perhaps the cultural message they received is that they have to “be strong” and so, even as adults they don’t know how to ask for emotional support when they need it. Perhaps they don’t even have the tools to know when they need help.
We can play a powerful role in closing the emotional regulation gap, starting from a young age.
Give feelings names, for your child and for yourself.
Try: “It seems like you’re upset because your tower fell over,” or “It’s okay to feel angry when things don’t go as planned.”
The more boys hear emotional language, the easier it becomes for them to use it themselves. So as they get older you could try asking; “How do you feel about your tower falling over?”.
In our blog: 'Take care of your boy': How can we teach boys emotional literacy?’, we talk more about how to teach boys emotional literacy from a young age.
Children learn most from what they see.
When dads, uncles, teachers, or male carers show their emotions, whether that’s frustration, sadness, or joy, it teaches boys that feelings are part of being human, not something to hide. Even saying, “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m taking a breath,” is a powerful lesson.
Parenting expert Tosha Schore — author of Parenting Boys Peacefully and creator of the “Out With Aggression” programme, recommends staying present when your son is having a meltdown rather than sending him away.
Let the wave of emotion pass, then reassure him:
“I’m here. You’re safe. I can handle your big feelings.”
This teaches boys that emotions aren’t dangerous, and that connection, not punishment, helps calm the storm.
When we tell boys “don’t cry” or “stop being dramatic,” we teach them that some emotions aren’t acceptable. Instead, help them understand what their body is feeling and how to manage it.
For example: “You’re angry, and that’s okay, but hitting isn’t. Let’s take some deep breaths instead.”
Representation matters. When boys see men in nurturing roles, whether that’s dads, teachers, or childcare workers, it challenges the idea that caring, patience, and empathy are “feminine” traits. At Nipperbout, we actively promote male staff in childcare roles to model this balance.
Many of us grew up in households where emotional expression wasn’t modelled, especially by men. Being aware of our own discomfort around strong emotions helps us avoid passing that discomfort on.
Ask yourself:
Teaching boys emotional literacy isn’t just about avoiding tantrums. It builds resilience, empathy, and self-awareness that last a lifetime.
Research from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child shows that emotional skills learned in early childhood lay the foundation for lifelong mental health and strong relationships.
By naming emotions and modelling emotional honesty ourselves, we show our boys that feelings aren’t a weakness, they’re a strength. A boy who is taught to be emotionally aware is more likely to turn into a man who is compassionate to himself and others.
Have you raised a boy or been a boy yourself? Do you relate to any of the above?
